2023

1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?

Went to a concert

Saw a BTS member in person

Did an almost three-week trip through Europe

 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No, but yes

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No

 

5. What countries did you visit?

Portugal

Spain

France

Singapore

 

6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?

A better everyday life

 

7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory?

January 15, my brother’s wedding

June 17, the D-Day concert  

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Reading seven books after reading 0 for the last few years

Showing up at this job every day and becoming good at parts of it

Making the Europe trip happen

Joining a couple of groups to meet more people in Mumbai

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Quitting the dance classes and not finding a replacement

Somehow falling back into old patterns with an ex for a few months

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets – concert, Europe

A mouse for work

A bright yellow dress

A pair of flats from Singapore

My new nose pin

My sunglasses

 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Mine

 

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Also mine

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Trips, rent, Zomato

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The concert!!!!!

My brother’s wedding

Europe

 

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2023?

I will fucking delete this question from next year

 

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Same

Thinner or fatter? Fatter

Richer or poorer? Richer

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Workout 

Sleep on time

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Talk to my ex

 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it at a friend’s place drinking hot chocolate and watching The Holiday

 

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Friends

 

22. Did you fall in love in 2023?

No

 

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None

 

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

Class of 07

Shrinking

Single Drunk Female

Platonic

 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Don't think so

 

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

Yellowface

 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

We shouldn’t be asking this question in the age of reels

 

28. What did you want and get?

To go on a big, once-in-a-lifetime trip with a friend

For my outfits to look the way they looked in my head at my brother’s wedding

 

29. What did you want and not get?

To stick to a healthy routine

 

30. What were your favourite films of this year?

Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani

Fair Play

 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

33. Went out to a very fancy restaurant the night before and spent the day with a friend looking for a pair of sunglasses.

 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I did not have to commute so much every week for work in the Mumbai traffic

 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023?

Dresses, dresses, and more dresses

 

34. What kept you sane?

My friends and things to look forward to 

 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jimin and RM

 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

This is not even a valid question at this point, everything is on fire

 

37. Who did you miss?

My friends, my brother

 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Reconnected with K

 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023.

Being an adult =/= living like an adult

 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

I can never answer this.

­

2022

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?

Moved to Mumbai

Got a matching tattoo with a friend

 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No, but yes

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes

 

5. What countries did you visit?

Singapore

 

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?

A routine that works for me

 

7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory?

June 25, 2022 

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting my terrible job and finding another one

Not quitting that new job because of imposter syndrome and showing up every day despite being super scared

Learning to live in a city where I do not have an existing support system

Continuing Korean classes

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Dropping the ball on the newsletter

Not reading a single book all year

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The gifts I bought for my parents and brother from Singapore

Two artworks

 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My friends’

Mine

 

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

My former boss and colleagues

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Singapore trip

Living in Bombay

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Singapore

Moving out again

 

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2022?

Maybe Run BTS?

 

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Sadder

Thinner or fatter? Fatter

Richer or poorer? Richer

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Read

Workout 

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work

 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it with a friend

 

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Friends

 

22. Did you fall in love in 2022?

No

 

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None

 

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

Bad Sisters

 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Don't think so

 

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

LOL

 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

None, I’m still all about BTS

 

28. What did you want and get?

To quit my job and find a new one 

 

29. What did you want and not get?

To live in a city with all my friends in a 5-km radius

 

30. What were your favourite films of this year?

I watched very few movies and they were all average

 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

32. Stayed home and ate mutton.

 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If there had not been so much change, all at the same time

 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?

LOL

 

34. What kept you sane?

My friends and BTS 

 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jimin

 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

This is not even a valid question at this point, everything is on fire

 

37. Who did you miss?

My friends

 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

A

 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.

Prioritise rest and physical health otherwise your body will decide when to do it for you.

 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

I can never answer this.

 

2021

1. What did you do in 2021 that you’d never done before?

Started learning Korean

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes

5. What countries did you visit?

Lol, none

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

To be able to live by myself again

7. What date from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory?

May 1, the day chacha died 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting a hobby

Finding a new job

Continuing the newsletter 

Surviving the year

9. What was your biggest failure?

The year was a failure, not me

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not physically 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

One Plus Buds Z

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Mine

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

My boss' (both ex and new)

My parents

14. Where did most of your money go?

Travelling between Delhi and Jaipur

Going out with friends in August

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The new job

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2021?

Pied Piper, BTS

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Happier

Thinner or fatter? Fatter

Richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Read

Workout 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it at home, sleeping and chilling

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Friends

22. Did you fall in love in 2021?

No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

Starstruck 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Don't think so

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

LOL

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

BTS!

28. What did you want and get?

To quit my job and find a new one 

29. What did you want and not get?

A good job

30. What were your favourite films of this year?

Every movie I watched was average

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

31. A staycation with a friend.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If my new job had not turned out to be a nightmare

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2021?

LOL

34. What kept you sane?

My friends and my brother 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

RM/Jimin from BTS

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

What didn't, that's the question.

37. Who did you miss?

My friends

38. Who was the best new person you met?

No one

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

Learn to differentiate between your job and your identity.  

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

I can never answer this.

2020

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before?

Started a newsletter

Led a team of 27 people

Finally gave up on a decade-long relationship

Survived COVID

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no

5. What countries did you visit?

Lol, none

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?

A job that doesn't make me want to die

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory?

January 26, 2020 - the day my life became hell at work 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving the lockdown completely by myself for 3 months

Managing to keep my job and properly lead my team 

Telling my mother in no uncertain terms that I do not want a husband or child ever 

Not abandoning the newsletter 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not demanding a raise at work

And then not quitting once things got very, very bad

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Got COVID in November 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A jumpsuit! 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My family's and some very dear friends' 

My team's

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Some of my extended family's

My boss'

14. Where did most of your money go?

Online shopping for really random things

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My birthday party

The newsletter

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2020?

Trying to get the Ghunghroo step right at various birthday parties 

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Happier

2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter

3. Richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Read

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it having lunch with a dear friend in an actual cafe  

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Colleagues 

22. Did you fall in love in 2020?

No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

Single Parents

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

Gravity is the Thing

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Nothing, really.

28. What did you want and get?

To keep my job

29. What did you want and not get?

A little breathing room at my job

To be able to go back to my normal life

30. What were your favourite films of this year?

Thappad

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

30. I had a party at home with my friends!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Apart from the obvious, a raise

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?

I wore nothing but pyjamas April onwards 

34. What kept you sane?

My family. The fact that my parents, my brother and I were living in the same house again after 10 years.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Same answer as last year - Pretty much every Korean actor whose show I watched

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

I don't think I can - or should - choose one.  

37. Who did you miss?

My friends. My Gurgaon life.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

E

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020.

You should be prepared for anything, even the apocalypse. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

I can never answer this.

November 25, 2020 - A day to remember

Okay, Blogger has really changed since I last wrote something here. Usually I open this page when something bad happens or if I'm in a funk, but today I want to capture the relief of my day. Nobody even comes here anymore, including me, so this seems like the perfect place to put this down.

I had a conversation with my mother today, which is a rarity. We fight or argue or snap at each other all the time, but we rarely talk. I actively avoid spending much time alone with her unless an activity or watching Bigg Boss is involved, because it always ends in an argument. I have conversations with my father, but only showdowns with my mother.  

Today, I was sitting in her room because she was helping me pick which lipsticks to buy online. I was able to do this in the middle of the afternoon because I am currently on leave (my entire family and I have COVID - we are okay). She offhandedly asked me about the latest shaadidotcom boy I am speaking to, and I told her he had messaged me but I told him I'm sick so I'll speak to him next week. She said, "Arey beta talk to him properly. Obviously he's interested." Normally, I'd nod or say yes and move on, but today I said, "Why is he interested? On what basis has he shown interest considering every time we've spoken he hasn't bothered to ask me a single question about me?" And before she could say anything, I added, "I have to say that I just DO NOT understand this entire process. I am only doing this for you and papa but I HATE it."

Instead of bursting into tears or yelling at me - which are her two standard responses to something like this - she was like, you hate this or the concept of marriage? That was all the permission I needed. I unloaded all of my very unpopular opinions about marriage on her, most of which she had heard before but always when I was extremely agitated and incoherent. Today, I didn't feel attacked so I could properly explain to her why I just don't see myself ever getting married (or being happy in a traditional marriage).  

She said all the usual stuff - what about when we die, what about when you're older, what about your 'needs', what about the 1000 things we're 'supposed to' do? I told her I didn't care about anything and I am capable enough of taking care of myself and my needs, it's not like I will be an unmarried jogan. She laughed and said no, you can't date if you don't marry. I was like if that is your condition to call this off, I am READY. That is how much I hate the idea of getting married like this. 

She was quiet for a moment. Then she said, "And what about when you want kids?" We had never reached this far. My very controversial opinion about kids has never once been discussed in this house. I knew that this could end this peaceful moment between us but I felt like today was an all or nothing day. "I don't ever want kids, not even half a kid. I just... I can't do all this for another person. What you do for me, I could never do for another person. I'm not made like that. I'm also going to make it clear to every shaadidotcom boy. And I am never going to listen to anyone else about this, like I'm listening to you about shaadi, because it's about my body."

To my shock and endless relief, she laughed. "How are you like this? No one in our family is like this." "I am not joking. I cannot even think about having kids, the thought is only making me want to throw up." 

"Okay, fine," she said, "let's end this topic here. I've heard enough for one day." I persisted, "I'm serious. I am telling you I am not made for any of this. So it'll be best if you can talk to papa and tell him this is how I feel and I'd really like it if you stop throwing your money at these websites." 

"I don't think we'll give up so easily. You're only 30. But I do worry that if you somehow get married you'll make your husband miserable." Then she laughed. 

I knew I shouldn't push my luck any further, so I went back to choosing lipstick shades. A while later, when I was in my room, she poked her head in and said, "One year later, when your brother wants to marry, you're okay with your younger sibling getting married before you?" Yes. Of course. "Yes," I said. Okay, she said and left. 

I am not naive. I know that this is not the end of this discussion. But I am very pleasantly surprised that my mother didn't shut me down, that she actually heard what I was saying, and that she seemed 20% receptive to why I was feeling this way. This is 50000% more progress than I have ever made on this cursed topic with my parents. 

I don't know how this happened, why she was in this mood, but I am not going to question a miracle. And while I know that my battle is long and uphill, tonight I feel a sense of relief and lightness that I haven't felt since I was 24. 

2019 tag

I tried going without doing this tag for 2019, but it kept bothering me. Usually, I do this at the end of December, but I was in Dubai then. I would have done it for my birthday, but I was too overworked to do it then, so, well, here it is.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Auditioned for something and started doing videos
Got flowers and chocolates for Valentine's Day
Got laid off
Forever moved out of my childhood home

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
The UAE

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
The feeling that I am on the way to becoming the best version of myself

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory?
August 18, 2019 - when I moved out of Jaipur

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Landing a job outside of my home town within two months of getting laid off

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting someone break my heart
Not sticking with my workout
Not saying NO loudly that night

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Dislocated my knee in April
Got a surgery done in October

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Decor stuff while setting up the new house
Some fancy makeup and skincare because it makes me very happy

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine and, in some instances, my parents'

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Also mine. And my parents'

14. Where did most of your money go?
Makeup and skincare

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving out

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2019?
Kalank

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Sadder
2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
3. Richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sticking to a healthy diet
Protecting myself against an abusive relationship

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Invested my time in a doomed relationship

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it at home, sick and preparing for Dubai. Two of my best friends came to see me.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
My ex

22. Did you fall in love in 2019?
Yes

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Schitts Creek

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
The Wedding Date
Daisy Jones and The Six

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing, really.

28. What did you want and get?
To move out

29. What did you want and not get?
A healthy, stable relationship with someone

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
Long Shot
Booksmart

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
29. I had a party with my office friends at our favourite place. I also got flowers and cake delivered to work by someone.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Better health and I could have definitely done without that heartbreak towards the end

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
Breaking out of the stereotype of what fat girls can or cannot wear - same as last year.

34. What kept you sane?
My friends. My brother.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pretty much every Korean actor whose show I watched

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
At this point, it's hard not to be stirred by any political debate.

37. Who did you miss?
My brother. My friends once I moved out. My childhood home.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
M, from work

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results."

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
This is really hard. I can’t.

August

Nine days after I wrote the last post - asking the universe to change something, anything - I got laid off. I think 'fired' is more accurate, given everything that we found out later, but I cannot grasp that. I do not know how I survived June. I slept a lot, I read a lot, I watched a lot of TV. I didn't cry a lot, which initially worried me but eventually that sort of merged with all of my other worries. 

You hear this so often. People get laid off in the media all the time, but for some reason I didn't think it would happen to me. And yet. I have no idea how to even articulate everything that went through my mind in the last two months. I don't even want to think about it too much. 

But things are changing. Big things are happening, things I have wanted for a while. So I have crossed all my fingers and toes that this transition is as smooth as can be, and that I can land on my feet on the other end of it all. 

I need to make a lot of to-do lists and do a lot of things over the next two weeks, so I'm hoping that it'll take up so much of my time that I will not have much of it left to freak out. But, I mean, I am freaking out anyway. Though I feel like that's okay? For a while this summer I felt broken. Not emotionally, but in a way where I stopped giving a shit about some important stuff. At least now I'm worrying so that must mean I'm healing. Right?